I'm OK

That seems to be my signature phrase. Over the last four weeks, that is what I say. And for the first week I really was. There was so much to do to get everything ready for the funeral, and lots of family to visit with, and of course lots of celebrating of a wonderful woman's life. You have this amazing sense of peace and comfort when all this happens. I was not expecting that. I kept wondering how I was going to ever get out of bed each day when Heather passed away. But watching her suffer made me want her to pass and made it easier to keep going at first. Now that feeling of comfort is gone. It was gone after the first week. But you have yourself convinced you are really ok. I never really cried, I went back to work at a new job and a new hospital I had not been to before. I had to deal with that, and that occupied my mind. Then it started, the missing Heather. Driving home from work and starting to dial her number and then realizing oh yeah, she is not there. The wanting to call her and tell her my funny story or something funny I just saw on tv or read. Or calling her to tell her about my bad day cause she would always listen and make me feel better. The worst is now that I only have one job and am only working 3 twelve hour days, I have some down time. I get bored and lonely and I think what has happened, I never got bored. Oh yeah, I would be at Heather's all day long if not at work.

So i started completely reorganizing my entire house and trying to get stuff ready for the baby. I have so much reorganizing to do. This week I am reorganizing and rearranging all of my kitchen cupboards. I call my mom and beg her to come over and bring Aaron so I won't be all alone. I hang out at Heather's with my parents all day tuesdays and wednesdays while Tristan is at school. I don't have my best friend anymore and I don't know what to do with myself. I can't wait for the baby to come so my mind and thoughts can be occupied. I actually like going to work cause I don't think about Heather as much. Except for today we had a young adult with cancer who was very sick and it reminded me of everything all over again.

As for the baby, he is moving around so much. I woke up yesterday and my belly was so much bigger. Today at work everybody could not believe how much bigger I am than just sunday. One girl told me that I finally look pregnant in my scrubs.

I got my official ultra sound results, and I do not have any tumors. Everything is all clear. I still have the small cysts that I can feel but they did not even show up on the test. I will just see the doctor one month after the baby comes to schedule my mammogram, how exciting.

30 weeks and 5 days

I had a check up today. I may have a urinary tract infection. No symptoms, but my test in the office was suspicious. I have been going potty a lot more lately but just thought it was from the pregnancy. So I had to go give an official specimen and will hear from the doctor in a couple days when she gets the results. Antibiotics will clear it up and she assured me it was safe. I lost almost half a pound since my visit 3 weeks ago. But I had gained too much in my opinion the last time, so I am glad it leveled off. I did not have the heart to tell her that my sister passed away while I was at my last appointment and maybe that could be why I have not gained weight. I just promised to eat more protein. My glucose was low at my check I did a few weeks ago and I have been really dizzy at work and almost passed out a few times. She gave me diet instructions on what to eat to keep my sugars normal. Lots of protein, little carbs. She does not want me fluctuating up and down by taking in a bunch of sugar. Too bad that is exactly what I was doing. I would eat a fun size piece of candy or a cookie and then feel better, but only for a bit. Egg whites, almonds, and chicken. Those are what she recommended. I have gained 19 pounds at almost 31 weeks, so overall my numbers look good.

She did an ultra sound to measure the baby. I guess that is what they do each time at kaiser. She measured all the bones and the head. I am right on target according to those measurements and the baby weighs 3 pounds and 6 ounces right now (average for this age). He looks so cute and was shy again today and would not show his face. He is still moving around a ton. I worked in the neonatal intensive care unit the last couple of days. And these babies were going crazy crying. All of a sudden my little baby started moving around and kicking like he never has before. It was too cute. You could see my stomach just a going and the nurse who was training me started laughing. Guess my guy does have good hearing despite his gazillion ultra sounds.

ha ha ha

Ok here are some funny things I have thought of or heard of while watching the news tonight trying to unwind after work.

1. news story about unemployment.... Here was the tip on how to make it through tough times. Try and itemize your spending and see where you can cut, make a budget. DUH!!!! What journalist got that hot tip???? Thanks for the big lead.

2. Cash for clunkers scandal. This program was so dumb from the beginning that I loved this story. Some girl saw the car she turned in and got $3500.00 for all cleaned up and for sell on a raised platform for $5999.00 Maybe people should take that as a clue for how well Obama's health plan is going to turn out.

3. Jimmy Carter saying that the main reason Obama is meeting opposition to his health plan is due to racism. COME ON! Couldn't it be that some of America thinks the plan is just a load of garbage? Call me crazy.

There are plenty more rediculous things I heard on the news tonight, but these are just a few of my favorites.

I will probably get hate mail because I shared my own thoughts on my own blog. Yes I am just a horrible human being.

2 ultrasounds in one day

I went for my breast ultrasound appointment today. I was a bit disappointed. When I first called to make the appointment they said ok your left breast ultrasound will be this day.. UM WAIT! I have lumps on my right. Why are you only doing my left? I was ticked off that if they are going to ultrasound why they don't just do both sides. But turns out they only look at the area of interest. I had to wait until they got the order clarified to the RIGHT side so I could make my appiontment. SO today everything was set up fine. I get in there and they are only ultrasounding the upper part of my breast cause that is the area of suspicion. COME ON! YOu are right there and you won't even take a look at the whole thing. Oh well they looked at where they needed to and the tech could not see anything. She called the radiologist cause apparently I am a special patient. I have a big fat sticker on my chart that says: "High Risk" Isn't that nice. At Kaiser it is protocol to call the radiologist right there for breast ultrasounds. He did not want to come down and look for himself, he thought I was fine to come home and they will tell me what the official read is. The tech explained more about why the doc does not want me to breast feed. Ultra sound is only 90% effective. I need a mammagram ASAP. But can't cause pregnant, and won't beable to while nursing. So I need to stop nursing quickly or not nurse at all so I can have a real screening. I still want to breast feed for 3 months at least, the doc says one month. We will see who wins.

Another policy at Kaiser is that if you are pregnant and having any type of ultra sound they have to do a quick ultra sound and check the heartbeat. I guess there was a law suit at one time where somebody went in for another ultrasound then a week later the baby was stillborn. They maybe could have detected it sooner or found a weak heartbeat if they had just checked while in for her other ultrasound. So I had ultrasound number 11 (i think too many to count). This kid may be deaf with all the soundwaves.

OK I know this sounds lame, but I am finally so excited to have this baby. I have been so wrapped up in everything else. Finding a job, Tristan applying for grad school, helping with Heather, and worrying about my parents, Scott and the kids. But today was the first day I felt nothing but elation when I saw this little guy. He is so adorable. He is already in the head down position with his head way down ready to deliver, so she could not get much of his face. But he was just gulping away the whole time. How is there still any fluid in there??? It was so cute. He always has his hands over his face, but not today. I loved seeing him. He is sunny side up right now, so all he needs to do is flip over in the next 10 weeks. He is so low, I have carried him low my whole pregnancy. My mom is worried he is going to come too early because he is already so low. I am still telling myself he will be late so I don't get frustrated. I have my next OB appointment next week. I will get some info about when I will be off work. You can go off at 36 weeks. But I think that is pretty wimpy, even for somebody on there feet for 12 hours straight. Knowing my luck I will be 2 weeks late and then I will have wasted my time off and be so bored out of my mind. But when I am big and fat I probably will be ready to be off at 36 weeks. I am just going to play it by ear.

My update

Many people have been asking what is going on with me and my health. I called to make an appointment with the surgeon the beginning of august and could not get seen until the beginning of October. What???? I thought the three weeks I was going to have to wait at my old insurance was rediculous. This is the downfall of being in a huge HMO company like Kiaser where your only choice is a kaiser doc and facility. They are always full. If this big lump up by my lymphnodes really is cancerous what would happen in 2 months where would it spread to, how much would it grow??? Especially with all the pregnancy hormones. I called every morning and night to ask if there were any cancellations after 2 weeks of doing that I was able to get in the beginning of september. As I am getting ready to go to the appointment they cancelled it. I was so mad now if I had to wait 2 months again I would not get in until NOvember. Luckily since it was their fault I was rescheduled for the following day. I am also grateful that I was able to change my appointment sooner because it changed the doctor I saw. I was originally supposed to see a general surgeon. When I was able to move my appointment up I was able to see a different doc who specialized in oncological surgery. He was chief of oncological surgery at Kaiser in Hawaii and one of the only oncological surgeons they had on the island.

So I had my appointment right before Heather's funeral. He felt what I was feeling plus the area up by my lymphnodes the NP had felt at my other appointment. I had convinced myself that there was nothing there because I have not felt it. He believes they are fibrous cysts. And thinks that the area up by my lymphnodes are clusters of fibrous cysts. I had a fibrous tumor removed on my other breast in 1999. Due to that history and Heather's history he is being very cautious. He ordered an ultra sound to see if there is anything bigger/tumors. He believes these cysts are too small to biopsy and that they are so small they may not even show up on the ultra sound. Like I said he is being very cautious and I will be seeing him every 3 months for a breast exam and getting on a yearly mammogram and ultrasound routine.

This man was very sweet. He could not even look at me when he walked in. He said you had a sister diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer at 29 shortly after giving birth? Me: Yes
Doc: ANd you are almost 29 and are pregnant and are feeling lumps?
Me: Yes
Doc: I saw on your paper you circled family member deceased from breast cancer.
Me: Yes
Doc: Was this your sister?
Me: yes
Doc: How old was she when she passed away?
Me: 32. She just passed away this week.
The doctor who could not even look up at me finally looked up and had tears in his eyes. What a compassionate man. They teach you in med school and nursing to not get your emotions involved. But this man was so caring. He also said despite Heather's genetic testing being negative twice. He is still treating me like I have a 50% chance of getting cancer. He does not think any of these lumps are cancerous but I will be on the regimented 3 month check and I am only to breast feed for 4-6 weeks. I am not sure if I will follow that recommendation but he said that hormones from breast feeding help spread some cancers. But mainly it is because if I go to have an exam every 3 months and I am nursing he cannot assess me apporpriately. It would be very easy to miss lumps when you are filled with milk. He wants to see me one month after the baby is born and then come back after I have stopped nursing to make sure everything is ok.

It has taken me a couple weeks to get in for the ultra sound. But I finally got an appointment and go on monday. Will keep you updated on the results

Video of Heather

My niece Morgan Luedtke (Fred's oldest child) made this video of Heather for her journalism class at BYU. This was done over general conference weekend in april of 2009. This was after Heather's brain surgery in February and her intense rehabilitation. Her face is very puffy in the video due to the spinal fluid leaking in her brain around the incision site. Although it is not the way Heather typically looked, it is so comforting to watch this video, mainly just to hear her voice and watch her mannerisms.

I am also proud of Morgan for this video which I believed she received a 100 out of 100 on. She is using it as a piece to apply for the BYU journalism program. Morgan is very creative and talented. I remember her doing documentaries/newcasts as projects in junior high and high school. I had to be part of the under ground railroad for one as she was reporting on it. I can't believe that interest has lead us to this point of a career choice. Most of all I am grateful to Morgan for just capturing this little bit of Heather in her last days. The video is below. ENJOY!

Grattitude

This week I have had nothing but grattitude in my heart for my family. I am lucky to be part of such a wonderful family. I have the best parents, and adore all of my siblings. It is so nice that we all get along and that each of the in-laws fit into the family so well. I am grateful that Scott will always be a part of our family even though Heather is not here. We have had a family dinner each night (fri, sat,and sun) and were able to have Scott and the kids with us. It was so neat to see Scott playing a game with all the older nieces and nephews and how much they love him. I also have amazing cousins and aunts and uncles who have really pulled through for us during all this and are wonderful examples and supporters. The Chapman family has been amazing and it so neat to see how much they cared for Heather. I can't even begin to express my grattitude to the ward Heather and Scott are from. They have done more than ever expected or I could have ever thought to ask. What examples of Christ like love and service.

After Heather's passing the only thing Tristan to say was "I am so grateful for Jesus Christ." What a renewed faith and a stronger spirit I have felt all week since Heather's passing.

I am also grateful for everyone's love and support and especially your prayers. It was so nice to see how many people loved Heather. The funeral was packed. It was a beautiful service ( I am sure my opinion is biased). We had friends come from all over. I even got the best surprise ever at the funeral. My two roomies from University of Utah (who I think are the most quality women I have ever met and admire them dearly) flew in that morining and left right after the services. Although they had only met Heather a couple of times they came to support me. I did not even know they were coming. So many people who Heather had even lost touch with in the last few years while she was sick and did not do much emailing or calling came to the funeral. Heather always thought she was invisible or not well liked. I hope she realized after Saturday that she was so loved.

Pictures

These are some pictures Tristan took of me today after i got up. Excuse the messy hair and no makeup. But we decided we should at least take some clothed belly pics for our little guy's scrapbook. We have not one picture of me the entire pregnancy, until today at 28 weeks. My stomach is not very big cause I have gained it in my lower body as you can tell from the profile picture. I have been eating horribly the last month with Heather being so sick. Now that I am allowed to exercise again I need to walk every night and eat right. Hopefully we will be better about taking pictures from now on.

Info again

yes the building where heather's services will be held at on saturday is the stake center for the anaheim east stake. 441 S Fairmont Blvd, ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA

More info on Heather and Services

I got a comment asking me what stake center/building the services are at. the address is on the other post. But it is the Anaheim East stake. at teh fairmont building. Since that is not my stake I am not sure if it is the stake center. I will try and find out. Also people have been asking about donations. Please do not feel obligated to, and I am not asking for them. But for those of you who have emailed or posted comments asking this is what is happening. They are trying to set up an account for the children where you can put money into it for their college fund. Or you can place a donation in Heather's name/honor to any breast cancer cause such as Susan G. Komen For the Cure.

I need to start working on the eulogy, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Surprisingly I have not really cried. I don't think this has really hit me. Hopefully it won't hit me on saturday during the eulogy, cause that won't be good.

28 weeks

I will be 28 weeks tomorrow. I had my OB appointment the day Heather passed. Weird that I was watching an ultra sound of my new little life coming to this earth at the exact same time Heather was leaving the earth. I had just had an ultra sound last thursday but since this was my first doc appointment at kaiser and my first time meeting the doctor she wanted to see the baby for herself. Like I was going to object. She said she was more concerned with looking at my amniotic fluid level than measuring the baby since we just had that done. I guess my small belly is fascinating to all. The doctor was concerned that since my stomach is so small that maybe I did not have much fluid. But I have "plenty" according to the doc. I told her that people always ask me if my baby is ok or if my due date is off and that I don't look 28 weeks pregnant. That is when the truth came out. She said honestly when I walked in and saw you I thought there is no way you are that far along. Hence why she wanted to do an ultrasound herself. Our little guy is in the 50% percentile for weight. I hope he stays that way, especially now that I will have a regular delivery. I have gained about 16-18 pounds and have 12 more weeks to go. She told me to plan on being late. WONDERFUL!

I also passed my glucose test with flying colors. After drinking that sickeningly sweet stuff my blood sugar was only 80. I was supposed to have an appointment today with the surgeon to check on my new friends but they cancelled it an hour before. Luckily they just called me and rescheduled it to tomorrow. Thank goodness cause it has taken me months just to get the appointment I was supposed to have today.

Funeral Service Information for Heather

Heather's funeral will be Saturday September 5th at 10:00am at the LDS church off Fairmont Blvd in anaheim hills, ca.
The address is 441 S Fairmont Blvd, ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA.

At some time in the afternoon will be the graveside service at Rose Hills Cemetery in Whittier. I am not sure the exact time.

For family the talk right now is that there will be a family viewing at 9:30 am followed by a family prayer.

Please email me or post a comment if you have any questions or need other information.