I'm OK

That seems to be my signature phrase. Over the last four weeks, that is what I say. And for the first week I really was. There was so much to do to get everything ready for the funeral, and lots of family to visit with, and of course lots of celebrating of a wonderful woman's life. You have this amazing sense of peace and comfort when all this happens. I was not expecting that. I kept wondering how I was going to ever get out of bed each day when Heather passed away. But watching her suffer made me want her to pass and made it easier to keep going at first. Now that feeling of comfort is gone. It was gone after the first week. But you have yourself convinced you are really ok. I never really cried, I went back to work at a new job and a new hospital I had not been to before. I had to deal with that, and that occupied my mind. Then it started, the missing Heather. Driving home from work and starting to dial her number and then realizing oh yeah, she is not there. The wanting to call her and tell her my funny story or something funny I just saw on tv or read. Or calling her to tell her about my bad day cause she would always listen and make me feel better. The worst is now that I only have one job and am only working 3 twelve hour days, I have some down time. I get bored and lonely and I think what has happened, I never got bored. Oh yeah, I would be at Heather's all day long if not at work.

So i started completely reorganizing my entire house and trying to get stuff ready for the baby. I have so much reorganizing to do. This week I am reorganizing and rearranging all of my kitchen cupboards. I call my mom and beg her to come over and bring Aaron so I won't be all alone. I hang out at Heather's with my parents all day tuesdays and wednesdays while Tristan is at school. I don't have my best friend anymore and I don't know what to do with myself. I can't wait for the baby to come so my mind and thoughts can be occupied. I actually like going to work cause I don't think about Heather as much. Except for today we had a young adult with cancer who was very sick and it reminded me of everything all over again.

As for the baby, he is moving around so much. I woke up yesterday and my belly was so much bigger. Today at work everybody could not believe how much bigger I am than just sunday. One girl told me that I finally look pregnant in my scrubs.

I got my official ultra sound results, and I do not have any tumors. Everything is all clear. I still have the small cysts that I can feel but they did not even show up on the test. I will just see the doctor one month after the baby comes to schedule my mammogram, how exciting.