grateful

This morning (2/27/12) Everett and I were having a lazy morning. Its 10:00 and we haven't even had breakfast. Just playing around and having fun reading books on the couch while he drinks his milk. We didn't even get up until 9:00. I was reading through blogs which I actually have really cut back on. I read a small hadful once a week or so. Today it was just what I needed. I have been in a big funk, one that borders on depression. Well I should say depressive moments. I think that is totally normal. When I am with Everett I am as happy as can be. We have so much fun together and play hard together. But when it is quiet, I am alone, or have down time, those sad moment come and I find it hard to pull out until my sweet boy comes and needs me or a patient's call light wakes me from my darkness. I have been working extra just to have something to do, to keep my mind off things.

Today I quickly opened a blog, i accidentally hit one that I was not intending to. It came up asking for prayers and a link to a story about a yong man with cancer. Because of the bond I feel for cancer patients and my love of medicine I clicked on the link. I read for a while the story of this man, looked at pictures and balled my eyes out. Then I was exiting the blog and saw a blog I had read along time ago (2 years ago) of a woman who lost her son. I read that blog and she was talking about her loss and some days that are hard, trusting in the lord etc. I balled again as she talked about comforting another mother who recently lost a child.

How selfish have I been, worried about my own problems when my problem is nothing compared to others. While grateful for what I have, I have been upset at not getting more. The heart wants what the heart wants and it wants it now. I know I am lucky to have the life and family I have, but my mind wonders off to always wanting more. Reading these stories of others loss and struggles today reminded me that mine are so small and could be worse. Thank you Heavenly Father for inspiring me to read them today. To get over my issues and continue to live a happy life.

You see about a month ago I went to by doctors after having some problems. Evey thing seemed to be back on track right away after the miscarraige, but after a couple of months some problems arose. My doctor gave me one more month to see if things would change on their own if not test, exams, ultra sounds and a referral to a fertility doctor would start. Well I am over the one month mark. I called my doctor on friday to let her know and I am waiting to hear back. I never would have imagined after Everett being a surprise that I would have a problem having another child. My doctor said it was nearly impossible for me to conceive at this time without medical intervention. Uggh! I was positive at first, they will just give me clomid or an injection and I will get pregnant, don't worry. But over the last month I have been bombarded with everyone asking me if I am having another one. Or comments like isn't it about time to give him a sibling. What if I can't ever give Everett one. I started to have a freakout. I started to talk to Tristan about in- vetro and adoption if we couldn't have any more kids.

I know, I know, getting way ahead of myself. Problem is, I have this little voice in side my head telling me it isn't going to be easy, telling me to prepare for a long wait for a child, telling me to look into my options. Tristan says it is just me freaking out, but that little voice has never been wrong. You see, it was that little voice that told me when I started school at BYU that I would not finish there, to get a Utah drivers license and declare myself a utah resident because I would go to nursing school at the U. It was right. Lucky I did all that stuff beacuse I had 2 years of residency when I transfered to the U and saved a lot of money. It was that voice that told me to give Tristan another chance and after 5 weeks of dating it told me that we would get married. It was that voice that told me Heather would have cancer when they found the lump. It was that voice that told me she would make it through chemo and she did. When her cancer returned it was that voice that told me she would die, but not for a couple years. When the cancer went to her brain, it was that voice that told me to prepare for her death. When she started seizing again 5 months after her first seizures, it was that voice that told me it was the beginning of the end and that we did not have much time.

You see, that voice has never been wrong. It is that voice that I fear now. That voice telling me it won't be easy and to prepare. I hope that it is wrong, that my own fears are getting in the way. But that voice has never been wrong. at 31 I don't have a lot of time to wait to continue to grow my family. I think about the lack of a child, the possiblity there may never be another child non stop. But after reading those 2 blogs today I will no longer dwell. There could be worse things, much worse things. I should be thankful that my problem is just not having more kids,not loosing one or my spouse. Once again my Heavenly Father has put me in my place, has taught me a lesson when I needed it, when I least expected it.