It's a girl!

Most people know by now we are having a girl. I did not really want to tell people because we found out at 15 weeks and the baby wouldn't really cooperate to see everything. I felt like they were more guessing or basing it off the lack of a male private part. Tristan was so sure and so excited he decided we had to tell everyone. I have always remained suspicious of it, but yesterday at the 20 week ultrasound it was indeed a girl. She would not cooperate for them to look at her heart but we saw right away she was a girl. I just got an email from the doctor saying everything looked great and all was normal with the ultrasound. So glad the baby is healthy. Tristan thinks I did not believe it was a girl because I wanted it to be a boy so badly. I did have delusions of grandeur that when we went for the 20 week ultrasound they would say "It's a boy." Then all my plans and ideas in my head about my two little wild and crazy guys could come true. The nightmares of pink and frilly stuff, jewelry, headbands, and most of all playing barbies could end. (Those headbands with flowers the size of the kid's head just freak me out).

Honestly, what scared me the most about having a girl is the fact that I am not a girly girl (And all the emotions and drama that come with a girl). I wear jeans and a t shirt, no make up, a pony tail, and I hated dolls and barbies as a kid. If I couldn't stand to play them then, am I going to be able to sit down for hours and play them with my little girl. I decided that I will, and I will love it because I will be doing it with my little girl and watching her be happy will make it fun. Other mother's have told me that they don't play dolls with their kids, I won't have to play with my daughter. I have people all the time say, " You sit on the floor and play with your son for more than a few minutes. You shouldn't do that because then they expect you to play with them." Seriously? I am baffled everytime I hear that. I don't parent like that. I play with Everett all day. It is so much fun. We are always outside, or reading books. He is a complete joy. I wouldn't want to miss out on anything because I am on the computer or the phone or taking time to get ready. Everyday he does the cutest and funniest things. I can't wait to see what baby girl (who probably won't have a name til we are leaving the hospital and they force me to give her one)does even if it is playing girly things and spending my time in make believe land all day long. I went and bought some outfits for her; lots of purple. Purple was always Heather's favorite color. I decided that I wanted to dress baby girl in lots of purple in her honor because her auntie would have loved it. I think about how excited I was when Hannah was born ( I got a speeding ticket on the way to the hospital) and how much fun she was.

This little girl is already as stubborn as they come just like her cousin Hannah (she never moves or allows the doctor's to do what they need to. She is upside down on her head in every ultrasound and won't move despite tons of pushing prodding, pressure and wiggling). Oh the drama to come, which is what I am dreading. But thinking of all the fun I had with Hannah and how wonderful it has been to watch Everett grow, I am excited to meet this little girl. Everett carried pictures of baby sister (which is what he calls her) around all day long. He pointed out her feet and nose and proclaimed she looked like a gelseton which is skeleton in Everett language. He also wants to name her baby girl Halloween. Yes, he is in love with Halloween. He ate zero candy but just loved the ghosts and pupmkins and skeletons. He talks about next Halloween already and it's not even Christmas.

13 weeks

Yes, I am 13 weeks pregnant! We had an ultrasound again today and everything looked good so we decided it was time to announce that we are expecting a baby April 1st 2013. I have had 4 ultrasounds so far to make sure everything is going ok.

Where did I leave off in our fertility journey? Oh yes, the surgery. We decided not to do it and try progesterone instead. So the plan was to start clomid once I had my next cycle since it took so long to ovulate after my first miscarriage. Once pregnant I would start high dose progesterone twice a day and baby aspirin daily (this prevents blood clots to the baby). Well, we got home and decided to track my ovulation. I had a pack of ovulation kits left and who would of thought that 4 days later I would ovulate on my own just 3 months after the 2nd miscarriage. We bought some early pregnancy tests and found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks. I started all progesterone and baby aspirin that day. So far everything is going well with the baby. The first appt at 6 weeks was nerve racking because we were so scared that there would be no baby or a baby without a heart beat. Luckily everything was great. We went back a couple weeks later and everything was great again, so they released me from the specialist and I have been seeing my regular OB for a couple weeks now.

My original due date was March 29th but Tristan and I new that was wrong. They were just going by the cycle dates. After 3 consecutive ultrasounds showing the baby was measuring 3-4 days behind, our reg OB changed the due date to match the ultrasound. So now we are looking forward to April 1st at the Terry house. We had figured our due date would be April 1 or 2 from the beginning.

I have been sick, still am sick. Threw up all morning yesterday on the way to work. Had nothing to barf into, so I dumped the water out of Everett's 2 sippy cups and threw up into them. Poor kid was asking for his water 20 minutes later. Sorry buddy you don't want that. I cleaned myself and the car up at my parent's house dumped the barf cups and went onto work a 13 hour shift. Oh the life of a pregnant lady. I have only had 2 mornings and one night of actual throwing up. The rest of the time it is just constantly feeling like I am going to barf. I was sick with my pregnancy with Everett til 16 weeks so I hope to be feeling better in a few weeks. For me it is the nights that are awful. About 6pm I get a headache, the nausea doubles and then it just increases from there. Since Ev doesn't go to bed til late, by the time we all get to bed I am pretty much about to die. Tristan is a wonderful help and I feel bad that he is a bit behind in school due to taking care of more things around the house. My mom is trying to help by watching Everett more so Tristan can catch up on his studying while I am working.

Can't wait to find out what we are having. Next ultrasound is not til Nov. 12th around 20 weeks. I don't think Tristan can wait that long. I was really hoping for a boy, but I now I kind of want a girl. We will see!

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive of us through the last 12 months. Hard to believe the first miscarriage happend almost one year ago.

Its a gamble!

So what has been happening in the journey to have baby number 2? Apparently I have an abnormality of my uterus where the baby is supposed to implant. It cannot get blood supply and therefore I have early miscarriages. It is genetic, formed at birth. I did a test called HSG where they basically stick a catheter up your unmentionable area and shoot dye up there and then take a ton of x rays to see where they dye goes. Everything in the ovaries and fallopian tubes were great no scar tissue or blockage preventing eggs from traveling on down. But we new that would not be a problem since I get pregnant.

Now for my uterus which is the main reason we did this test, things were a bit confusing. There was a dip in the top of the uterus which means one of two things. An arcuate uterus (which is a normal variation of normal)or a uterine septum. The doctor doing the test was not my assigned fertility specialist, but she is her co-worker. She explained that a further test would be needed to evaluate the exact size of this problem. If it was above a certain size it would be a uterine septum and would have to be removed to have a successful pregnancy. If it was below that size, it is not normal but a variation of normal that is acceptable and has not issues. However, given that I have had 2 miscarriages early on in pregnancy (at implantation phase), this doctor believed that the uterine abnormality was the cause of my problems and I should have it removed. She said new healthy tissue would grow and I would have a good chance at having other babies. I asked her how I had everett fine and she believed he implanted ina different area which is why I had placenta previa and some other issues with my pregnancy.

So Mixed emotions. Grateful to have an answer, grateful it might be an easy guaranteed fix. I called that minute to schedule the next test and found out that the next available appointment was a month away. This doc said she cannot tell me what to do as not my doc but gave me approval to schedule the test as it is a long wait. So a week later I meet with my acutal fertility doctor who tells me my uterus looks good. SAY WHAT???? She said well there is a little dip but I can tell it is so small it is fine. I told her what the other doc said and she told me I could get the test done but if it was under 5mm she would not remove it. She believed that since I had a successful full term pregnancy with Everett another one is possible without the surgery. She was concerned that removing this area of extra fiberous tissue would lead to scar tissue that would mean a permanent problem to grow a healthy baby. She felt that I should explore the possiblity of a low progesterone which is the most common cause of miscarriages. Unfortunately the problem is you cannot test your progesterone levels until you are pregnant. Of course you don't want to get pregnant, test your level and find it is low. It is too late at that point to start the medicaiton and have it keep the baby. So, she suggested starting progesterone as soon as I find out I am pregnant and then they will monitor the levels as well as serial HCG to see if miscarriage is pending. IF it does not work then I will have the follow up uterine test as well as a whole mess of tests. Once you have 3 miscarriages, you get a whole bunch more tests. HOW FUN!
After some thought I decided that I would take the gamble and try to do the progesterone. I realize this may not work and it will further prolong having baby number 2, but the risk of scar tissue and never being able to have another baby was too scary to go right ahead and try the surgery.

Both doctors agreed that this growth was under the 5 mm mark. It was just that one said it should be removed no matter what due to my cirumstances. I will err on the side of caution. I second guess my self sometimes when I think of how this may just prolong everything if I have another miscarriage, but I have accepted that my family may be small,my children may be 7 years apart. I feel at peace when I think about adopting a child. I know that no matter what happens it will be ok. I just have to let go of that family I had planned out just so and embrace what may come. (NOtice I have not accepted that I will have just one child). I know this is long and not interesting to most, but I want to keep this as a record so that my future child whether biological or not knows how badly I want them, and that I did everything I could to have him or her as a part of my family.

number Two

4/9/12:Miscarriage number 2. This time painful, back labor and dry heaving. I still had morning sickness for a week after. It started the night before easter, we hoped it was nothing. It continued all day Easter but spotting can be normal and I had it with Everett so we just took it easy. On the way to dinner at my mom's I had horrible pain in my lower back. I started crying Cuz I knew what was happening. By 4:00 in the morning I had not slept, was in so much pain and loosing a lot of blood. I had to have my parents come so my dad could drive me to the ER and my mom could stay with Everett. Tristan came down stairs at 5:00 to go to cedar sinai medical center in Beverly Hills for his nursing school clinicals. There we all were in the living room, even Ev was up. I had not told him what was happening because he would want to stay and help but he really needed to be at school. You can't make up clinicals and I didn't want him to be behind. He went off to clinical and Dad and I to kaiser Riverside. My dad waited in the waiting room. Both miscarriages I have been alone in the ER. This time was awesome though. In and out in under 2 hours. No IV fluids and the sweetest Dr. and nurse. Last one the Dr. was such a jerk. Once again there was no baby on the ultra sound. HCG extremely low. Same story, you could be micarryong, have an early pregnancy, or an ectopic. We won't know for 2 days till repeat hcg. On repeat I was already back to normal so it was a micarriage.

I was devastated all day Monday but then it was move on with life the next day. Everett doesn't give me much choice. on the bright side we got pregnant on our own. We were in the middle of the fertility work up but had not started any treatment yet. They do all testing around your cycle. I had everything ordered and was waiting for my cycle but it never came because we were pregnant. I thought we were. My problem is I don't ovulate which means you can't have a child. No egg,no child. I was taking some all natural stuff to help and it worked. My doctor cancelled all my work up signed off on me and said, you should be fine. Lots of people have a miscarriage it was likely a fluke thing and you are pregnant now on your own so you don't need me anymore. Three days later I called back and told her the bad news. New plan is to treat my infertility if I still have ovulation problems after this miscarriage, and now to treat me after pregnancy to help keep the baby. My doc was nice and said luckily I do both as a reproductive endocrinologist; Help you get pregnant and help women keep their pregnancies. My regular OB also said that they don't worry until you have 3 miscarriages. Then you are officially labeled as having recurrent miscarriages (which only happens in 1% of all women). I am lucky they are not making me wait til I have 3 to get help. After two cycles I will re start the work up. Which means the earliest I will be on medicine and trying to have another one is July/Aug. I was so nervouse about switching to Kaiser for our insurance provider in 2009 but it has really been a great experience for us and I have loved all my doctors and specialists.

First baby was due June 20th 2012. That would have the kids little over 2.5 years apart. This one was due Dec. 15th making them a little over 3 years apart. Now who knows. I always wanted my kids 3 years apart but with my age felt like I didn't have the luxury of that spacing. Now I will have even more spacing which is probably a good thing because Everett needs a lot of growing up still. He is so sweet and fun and a great kid. He has my undivided attention all day long and does not like it when I am on the computer even. If he is watching a movie, I must be on the couch next to him. He does not like nursery because Mommy is not in there. I don't get it because I am gone 2 days to 3 days all day long, you would think he would be used to being without me. I guess that is why he is so obsessed with me when I am around, because he is afraid I will leave and be gone 15 hours.


Ok long blog and I typed it all with one finger while Everett is on my lap watching his morning wake up tv. Our half hour is up now, he is telling me its time to jump on the trampoline and go see the trash cans (Its trash day). We will play outside all day. At least we already have awesome tans to show for it.

grateful

This morning (2/27/12) Everett and I were having a lazy morning. Its 10:00 and we haven't even had breakfast. Just playing around and having fun reading books on the couch while he drinks his milk. We didn't even get up until 9:00. I was reading through blogs which I actually have really cut back on. I read a small hadful once a week or so. Today it was just what I needed. I have been in a big funk, one that borders on depression. Well I should say depressive moments. I think that is totally normal. When I am with Everett I am as happy as can be. We have so much fun together and play hard together. But when it is quiet, I am alone, or have down time, those sad moment come and I find it hard to pull out until my sweet boy comes and needs me or a patient's call light wakes me from my darkness. I have been working extra just to have something to do, to keep my mind off things.

Today I quickly opened a blog, i accidentally hit one that I was not intending to. It came up asking for prayers and a link to a story about a yong man with cancer. Because of the bond I feel for cancer patients and my love of medicine I clicked on the link. I read for a while the story of this man, looked at pictures and balled my eyes out. Then I was exiting the blog and saw a blog I had read along time ago (2 years ago) of a woman who lost her son. I read that blog and she was talking about her loss and some days that are hard, trusting in the lord etc. I balled again as she talked about comforting another mother who recently lost a child.

How selfish have I been, worried about my own problems when my problem is nothing compared to others. While grateful for what I have, I have been upset at not getting more. The heart wants what the heart wants and it wants it now. I know I am lucky to have the life and family I have, but my mind wonders off to always wanting more. Reading these stories of others loss and struggles today reminded me that mine are so small and could be worse. Thank you Heavenly Father for inspiring me to read them today. To get over my issues and continue to live a happy life.

You see about a month ago I went to by doctors after having some problems. Evey thing seemed to be back on track right away after the miscarraige, but after a couple of months some problems arose. My doctor gave me one more month to see if things would change on their own if not test, exams, ultra sounds and a referral to a fertility doctor would start. Well I am over the one month mark. I called my doctor on friday to let her know and I am waiting to hear back. I never would have imagined after Everett being a surprise that I would have a problem having another child. My doctor said it was nearly impossible for me to conceive at this time without medical intervention. Uggh! I was positive at first, they will just give me clomid or an injection and I will get pregnant, don't worry. But over the last month I have been bombarded with everyone asking me if I am having another one. Or comments like isn't it about time to give him a sibling. What if I can't ever give Everett one. I started to have a freakout. I started to talk to Tristan about in- vetro and adoption if we couldn't have any more kids.

I know, I know, getting way ahead of myself. Problem is, I have this little voice in side my head telling me it isn't going to be easy, telling me to prepare for a long wait for a child, telling me to look into my options. Tristan says it is just me freaking out, but that little voice has never been wrong. You see, it was that little voice that told me when I started school at BYU that I would not finish there, to get a Utah drivers license and declare myself a utah resident because I would go to nursing school at the U. It was right. Lucky I did all that stuff beacuse I had 2 years of residency when I transfered to the U and saved a lot of money. It was that voice that told me to give Tristan another chance and after 5 weeks of dating it told me that we would get married. It was that voice that told me Heather would have cancer when they found the lump. It was that voice that told me she would make it through chemo and she did. When her cancer returned it was that voice that told me she would die, but not for a couple years. When the cancer went to her brain, it was that voice that told me to prepare for her death. When she started seizing again 5 months after her first seizures, it was that voice that told me it was the beginning of the end and that we did not have much time.

You see, that voice has never been wrong. It is that voice that I fear now. That voice telling me it won't be easy and to prepare. I hope that it is wrong, that my own fears are getting in the way. But that voice has never been wrong. at 31 I don't have a lot of time to wait to continue to grow my family. I think about the lack of a child, the possiblity there may never be another child non stop. But after reading those 2 blogs today I will no longer dwell. There could be worse things, much worse things. I should be thankful that my problem is just not having more kids,not loosing one or my spouse. Once again my Heavenly Father has put me in my place, has taught me a lesson when I needed it, when I least expected it.

Halloween, my birthday and a miscarriage all in one

Well, this year was an interesting halloween/birthday for me. My birthday is on halloween and I turned 31. I already felt like I was getting too old too fast. I always wanted to have a lot of children, but not having my first until I turned 29 makes you really race against the clock to even have a few. We were very surprised to find out I was pregnant in the middle of October but very excited. With Everett there was no enjoying it. It was total chaos in my life at that time. We had just found out the cancer had spread to Heath'er brain the month before, plus we were not trying so we were in shock for the first bit. We knew it would be so over whelming for my family to have a new grand child with everything going on and I feared my mom would kill me. In addition, when we went to my first appointment there was no heartbeat. The doctor said I was either only 4 weeks along or the baby had stopped growing. Mix that in with loosing my job and Heather getting sicker and sicker. My pregnancy with Everett was very over shadowed with so many other things I never really got to enjoy it.

(I am writing this in detail for journaling purposes)

SO we find out about baby number 2 and we just start screaming for joy. We could finally enjoy a normal pregnancy. I new something was different. I was having headaches nightly like I did with Ev,and a girl at work brought in sea food for lunch and I could't stop dry heaving. So I took a test and it confirmed it. Then after 3 days of finding out we were pregnant I started feeling so great. Had so much energy,not exhausted any more no more headaches. Everett was in this phase of not going to sleep until midnight and I was getting up at 5:30 and going to work. I still had so much energy. I told Tristan something is wrong and of course he told me I was over reacting. I was at work exactly a week after we found out and the shift was almost over when I started spotting. I just had this gut feeling to go to the emergency room. They kind of thought I was crazy cuz I was just spotting, but they did an ultrasound to find out there was no baby. I asked the doc if I was totally crazy and if I was never pregnant. He said my HCG levels were at 28 which means I was pregnant. He told me 3 things could be happening. 1)ectopic pregnancy, 2)Miscarriage, or 3)I was just barely pregnant so there was nothing showing on my ultra sound and my levels were just started to go up. I left there not knowing which it was and had an appointment to see an OB in 2 days and have my levels re drawn as that would determine what was happening.

The next morning I am making Everett eggs for breakfast when I knew for sure I was having a miscarriage. I called the doctor, they said there was nothing they could do and to keep my appointment for the next day. I go to the doc the next day and she does another ultra sound, still no baby. She says its not ectopic (that was my worst fear)and I was probably just barely pregnant and implanting. I questioned this as there was so much blood by now. When we left Tristan said you know you are not just barely pregnant just prepare for the call tonight when they get your blood results.

My HCG was only 10 which means it dropped from 28 to 10 in only 2 days. When I went back 2 weeks later it was 0. So I did not need any surgery thankfully.

I was totally fine with the whole thing. I know that most miscarriages are due to the baby not being healthy. I was only 6 weeks along and not ever seen the baby or been to an OB appointment which made it easy to deal with. My only hang up about the whole thing is that I already lost 6 weeks and then have to wait 3 months to try again which makes it about 6 months by the time I will be pregnant again. That is not really a big deal to have my kids 3 years apart instead of 2.5 years. But for somebody who already felt like turning 31 was getting old that really made me feel like I was racing the clock even more. This all happened right before my birthday.
What a way to celebrate turning 31. The pregnancy I was finally going to get to enjoy ended up with its own problems. Perhaps the third time will be the charm. Thankfully I have Everett. I will post pics and how his halloween went in a separate post. He is so cute he deserves a solo Halloween post.

Video of Everett playing the drums

Here is a link to Everett playing the drums at my sister Heidi's house. He is so cute and we have so much fun with this little guy. This video was taken on 9/10/11. I don't know how to post a video on the blog.

The link to this youtube video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TDNFpA0GMI