All about me

My baby is asleep in the swing. It is almost 7pm and he is still taking his afternoon nap. Why? Because he did not go down until 5 something. He has trouble staying asleep. I so needed to lie down. I did not sleep at all last night. I had horrible dreams/nightmares. I was so upset that Everett would not stay asleep this afternoon. I finally nursed him again and he knocked out. I read blogs while I nurse since there is no time for it at any other part of the day. I held him and read. I usually don't hold him while he sleeps cause he needs to be swaddled to stay down. He always wakes himself up with his hands even when held. I held him tonight for 2 hours in the dark. Loving my child, reading blogs of young mother's who have recently lost or almost lost their little ones. Crying and squeezing my little one for 2 hours. Dreading going back to work in 2 weeks and leaving him. Feeling guilt that breaks my heart. Wondering why I did not wait a few more years to have kids when I can finally stay home (oh yeah I am old!). Then feeling guilty that thought ever crossed my mind. Wishing Heather was here to tell me how she worked for so long leaving her kids. Even working with 2 little ones and battling cancer. Understanding the tears she shed for so many years. Wondering how many times I will cry at work the first day. Wondering how long it will take til Everett just wants a bottle and not me. Feeling sad over the thought of not nursing him anymore. I will be starting to wean him this week as I need to have a mammogram. My sister Heidi went in for her yearly check up and they ordered a breast MRI. Turns out she has 2 lumps. The first was biopsied and is negative. Then they biopsied the second on and we are waiting to hear about that. So I have decided that my plan to defy my doctor and keep nursing is not the way to go. I need to get checked too. It kills me to stop. I did not anticipate to enjoy that aspect of motherhood like I do. But let's face it. Everett has not matched up to anything I thought motherhood would be like. I thought he would love to cuddle and be held. WRONG! I thought he would sleep a lot WRONG! I thought he would be a chunk. WRONG! I was convinced I would have a not very cute baby based off mine and Tristan's looks. WRONG (he is so adorable)! Everett has not been anything like I thought. I never stop moving, I never stop bouncing or singing or entertaining. I can now endure an entire 45 minute car ride of screaming without batting an eye. I anticipate changing both of our clothing about 5 times a day and doing laundry a couple times a day. Motherhood with Everett is wonderful, it is better than I thought. But it is definitely different than I ever imagined. And I love him more than I ever thought possible. Thanks mom and dad for loving me the way only a parent can. I understand it now.